Envy and luck

I've always envied you. Everything you've been blessed was everything I've ever wanted for myself, but was not fated to have. Your picture-perfect family, your comfortable life, your effortless popularity, your high self esteem and most of all, your happiness. Life never really dealt you with a hard blow, and I guess that makes me bitter in some weird, twisted way. "Some people are so broken they get mad at you for being whole." Sometimes I can't help but feel a twinge of envy because I know that my life has never been and will never be as easy as yours.

But today I realized a different truth. I've never had some of the wonderful things you have, but I have the best lover any girl could ask for. I have someone who never leaves when things get tough, someone who never, not even once, let me go to bed upset. Someone who gives me endless support, laughter and love. Someone who deals with my tantrums with gentleness and understanding. Someone who never stops trying. Someone who keeps his promises. Someone who loves me.

You see, I am actually the lucky one. I have a beautiful boy who proves time and time again that he loves me with all his heart, and all you have is a broken, flawed girl who doesn't even have enough for herself, let alone for you.

I am so lucky.

Schrödinger's Cat

I'm going to venture into a deeper school of thought here by writing about a popular physics experiment I was reminded of by a book I was reading this afternoon. If you've never heard of Erwin's Schrodinger's experiment, you should Google it up cuz it's too complicated for me, a literature student who has never seen a physics textbook in her life, to explain correctly. Although I hardly know a thing about physics, I find this experiment to be brilliant because it not only illustrates the quantum theory of superposition but it also makes you think about the laws of probability, observation and perception, and even parallel universes and all it's infinite outcomes. It's bound to make you wonder.

So, onto Schrodinger's Cat. Simply put, a cat is put inside a steel box with a device containing a vial of hydrocyanic acid and a radioactive substance. This device has a 50/50 chance of breaking the vial of acid that will poison the cat. The lid is opened after an hour and you'll either be greeted by a really confused cat or a corpse.

Whatever happens to the cat inside the box is not our business, its job is simply to stay alive or be killed by the poison within the box (poor kitty!) Mr Schrodinger states that as long as we don't open the box, the cat is both dead and alive. I'll repeat that again: as long as we don't open the box, the cat is both dead AND alive. Think of it as time being suspended while the box is closed, and as long as it remains unopened, both outcomes remain as possibilities. Only when the box is opened and the contents observed, will the cat be confirmed as either dead OR alive. 

Get it? No? Okay, stay with me. What Mr Schrodinger is trying to say is that as far as we (the observers) are concerned, the cat is only dead or alive after we open the box and find the answer ourselves. In simple terms, we decide the cat's status by the meanings we attach to its dead/alive body. The cat is just doing its own thing, whether or not the box is opened doesn't change the fact it was/wasn't killed. It's our perception of things that gives things their meanings, it's how we choose to see things that makes things they way they are. 

If a tree in the middle of a deserted forest falls, do you think it still makes sound if no one is around to hear it? Sound is defined as something that "travel through the air or another medium and can be heard when they reach a person's or animal's ear." If it isn't heard by anyone, is it still considered sound? 

Another example would be Israelites, who were convinced that that they were perfect and good until the Lord gave the Ten Commandments that told them that they were in fact, sinners. If a man commits terrible crimes, is he still evil if we didn't perceive the crimes to be evil? Is the sky still blue if no one can tell that it's blue? Hey, maybe there's another color that exists right here in front of us but we can't see it, and so as far as we're concerned, it doesn't exist EVEN THOUGH IT DOES. And here's the real mind-blower: if that was true, we'd never know. Yep, I told you it'd make you wonder.

Science and physics and sub-atomic particles aside, here's how I came to understand and interpret the Schrödinger's Cat experiment: we're just like the cat, affected by different circumstances that gives us our own set of stories to tell. And just like the scientist who opens the lid and declares the cat dead or alive, these stories won't be considered truths until an observer understands us enough to deem it so. And aren't we all hoping for our own stories to become truths someday?

Alain de Botton puts this so beautifully in a quote I love so so much:

"Perhaps it is true that we do not really exist until there is someone to see us existing, we cannot properly speak until there is someone who can understand what we are saying in essence, we are not wholly alive until we are loved."

Thank you for hearing me out, nerdy Jac appreciate it loads. *smiles, pushes up glasses and disappears behind a book* 

Plans

There's just something about time and the way it flies by so fast and here I am, a year 3 polytechnic student, in the middle of my last school term before graduating in a couple of months... It's time to think about the future, which strangely doesn't scare me at all. In fact, I'm beyond excited to to finally move on to another chapter of life, leaving SP and the life of a teenager behind.

Uni
One thing's for sure, I'm definitely going overseas. And I don't know when or whether I'm ever coming back. Another thing's for sure, I'm headed to the land down under, yes I'm coming for you soon NZ or AUS! Melbourne is my top top top top choice for so many reasons and I'll literally die if I get shipped off to anywhere else, but NZ will always be a great plan B in case anything horrific happens. Other than driving me restless with excitement, the thought of finally leaving Sg gives me a whole new perspective of things while I'm still here. These days when I go about my daily routine, I look around at the places and people around me and try to memorize them just the way they are, seizing the precious few months left with them. I'm going to miss my friends and family so much. It's an odd feeling to walk around the streets of Singapore, taking in the familiar buildings and the constant sound of the MRT trains and think that one day soon, these everyday sights will just be something I see once or twice a year. Just a mere memory. I've always felt trapped and unhappy here but it's hard to feel hostile towards a country you know you're gonna leave behind soon. You may even grow to like it a little.

Career paths
I'm so clueless on this one because after all, I'm just a naive 19 year old student with lofty dreams and no experience in the "real world". But here goes.
1. Travel magazine? Two of my favorite things in one. This will be the ultimate dream, especially if it's my own! I'm currently having a taste of what it's like running a travel magazine for my Writing Lab module and my, am I loving it. I feel inspired and excited for every lesson/group meeting, which is something I never felt before, and I believe that's how it should be if you're working on something you love.
2. SPH? If I come back to Sg, this is probably the safest choice. I could always go back after my internship. Any government-related company is always a safe choice.
3. Some indie media company? The most important thing I want in a job is a healthy work environment where everyone feels comfortable in, and when I picture "indie media company" I picture a mix of cool geeks and creative, open-minded, well-spoken people who lead such interesting lives that they ain't got no time for office drama (that's probably in the fashion media line I guess) and we'll probably have a cat in the office because you know, hipster.
4. National Geographic, Animal Planet, etc? This one is high up on my list. I love documentaries and how they raise awareness about the little-known issues around the world. This would be something I am most passionate about.
5. Or I could just be a tai-tai. Hahaha I'm actually being serious, this is a very possible option.

I've got all these plans but you'll never know what life has in store for you. The day it comes is the day you'll know for sure x